I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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