Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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