I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Pooping to opera.
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