Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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