i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
