i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
