I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
