I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
