She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
