I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
