i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
