She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
