Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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