Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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