I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
