dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
