mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
