I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
