Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
