My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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