Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
