Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
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Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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