She is in my trunk
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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