She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
