I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
