false alarm. still invincible.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
