U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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