The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
