I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
