Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
