Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
