There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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