There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
