I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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