even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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