i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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