You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
