so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
