he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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