Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
