"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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