Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
