Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
