Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
