tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
