yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
