Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
