i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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