Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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