I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
