I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
