cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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