I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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