i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
