I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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