Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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