They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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