Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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