Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
