i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
