I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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